I often wonder to myself, knowing full well, "will the ice ever melt, the sun come out, and the world come alive again?" Will I be able to to move on? Giving all I have will I ever see the positive consequences of a dedication to change?
There is a beacon of hope. The sun will continue to rise. The world will awake. The seasons will change. Life can begin anew. My life, MY LIFE, Jacob Ferrin's life can and is changing in remarkable ways.
(These are pics I took in the spring 2 years ago)
For those who knew me closely in the past. I am truly sorry. I am tormented at the pain and heartache I put you through. For those who knew me more as an acquaintance, I am sorry I was not the advocate for good I could have been. For those who have given me the chance again or now, I am doing all I know how to better myself and those around me. Thank you for the opportunity and privilege.
For my light in the darkness, YOU are were the inspiration I needed. Whatever follows, whatever may or may not be, your timing was impeccable. Your life and appreciation for it, has given me an earthly, mortal hope I could not identify before. I asked you what your fear was and you said it was also your greatest strength. I asked you what you wanted from life and deeper than the words you spoke was the desire to be loved for all you are. I share that need for belonging. I need to be needed and want to be wanted- All of me- for who I am and who I am not- what I am and what I am not. YOU opened my mind to the possibility of equality, A dream I COULD NOT believe in before you. I am scared, more scared than I know how to explain. How can I be loved despite my short-comings? My self created myth of "individual happiness somehow being greater than a shared culmination," was shattered. I understand that as powerful as I can become, without the balance and love of a dedicated eternal commitment, I can not achieve what I most desire. I want a family.
Whether I aspire to be a UPS man as my father or a doctor as I hope to become, or a checker at Home Depot, I CANNOT find the fulfillment I so deeply desire, alone. (Just so there is no pressure... I cant see the future, I dont know what path life will take either of us on, but I do know that in a brief moment YOU rocked my illusion of happiness.) Thank you. I wish you well. I hope you remain in my life and perhaps that chance will be given to us? Who knows?
What I also know is that the power of the Savior of the World is REAL! The Living God atoned individually and died individually for every one of us. He died for me. HE GAVE US ALL THE POWER TO CHANGE!!!
I have faith that my Redeemer Lives. I feel it deeper and more powerfully than any tactile sense experienced., stronger than any dirty rush or adrenaline high. I have felt deity touching my very soul.
In my heart I have begun to feel the change of heart I so DESPERATELY feared for but begged and pleaded for. "What if I no longer had this crutch to lean on?" "What if I no longer was scared of succeeding?" God is the only way to find solace and true peace.
Many times I have been told that through mediation and self-reflection I can find true peace. Many times I have been told that happiness is a decision. Many times I have heard "my spirituality is mine alone." My response is finally this.
"Although many tools can be used to build a creation, worshiping the tools is absolute madness. Honor the Creator and use the tools."The Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and the Omega, God and His son, Jesus Christ gave us all we have. I will not be embarrassed of my God, nor will I pretend that my silence is more appropriate so I don't offend another person. God saved my life. Jesus suffered in Gethsemane for me.
My life is becoming free of the addictions that ruled it. My heart is returning. A new life is being breathed into my lungs. I will not hide behind my carnal man. I have made mistakes. I know I will make many more mistakes, but in the words of one of my dearest friends, "Minimize the wake." With the power of Christ and with the personal awareness I am beginning to possess I can minimize the wake. I can be an advocate for positive and constructive change.
I love my God, I love my Family, and I am finally loving myself. I promise that with an ACTIVE, purposeful, consistent, imploring effort to understand and seek Him, He will PULL ANY MAN or WOMAN from the DARKEST HELL. I have been there. He loves us and will never stop offering His hand, His redeeming grace, or His love.
I love Him with all that I am. I bare you my soul and testament that I have been able to change my life because of His atonement, help, and sacrifice. In the name of my beloved Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.
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