It has been a journey of epic proportions. I have taken the incredible and made it normal, almost banal. I have seen such powerful expressions of human emotion and suffering that my soul has cried for relief. I have seen delicate and exquisite beauty. I have seen tenderness and love. And I have seen so much that I wish I never saw.  I think the hardest part of this whole journey though, is that most of it was in my own mind- from my own perspective. I didn’t have to go through it all. I’m a much better and kinder person for it, but “OOouuch!” Its my first post in a few years, but I will say more. I have much more that I need to express. I cant wait!!!! :-) 

Moving Forward and Loving life!

SOooo.... I don't know why this summer was so rough, or why I have had so many uncontrollable accidents, or why I cant ever seem to get to a stable place, but what I have decided is that I still absolutely control my paradigm and my perspective.

3 months ago I was telling my Momma how I was living in a condemned house with no water or electricity, riding a presumably stolen motorcycle, my car caught fire and burned while I was living in Cedar City, just found out my student Pell grants and scholarships had been taken away because I had already earned a bachelors degree, I had 5$ remaining on my credit card, I was super sick, classes were just starting and because I hadn't taken the prerequisites I was having to learn a completely unfamiliar math language, and I was already burning out from the accelerated everything I have been doing.

Then the water was turned on- meant I could at least take cold showers (for about 3-4 weeks). Then the electricity came on and I could live like a person again. Then I got a letter telling me my motorcycle wasn't stolen and I could have it. Then I started understanding the classroom material. Then I decided that I COULD and WOULD be happy despite my situation.

Then I wrecked my motorcycle while I was riding in the rain. I got all smashed up, the bike was totalled, my hands were shredded and it at some point went over the top of me. blah blah blah. Long story short, it was no bueno.

A week later I am barricade security for Yellowcard, Every Avenue, and Go Radio. I was front and freaking- center!!!! It was a killer concert and when I went to the meet and greet with the band they told me it was one of the top 5 best concerts that they had ever done! THE ENERGY WAS INCREDIBLE!!!!!! Met alot of great people and had a good time. 2 days later I'm in Vegas and WOW..... I really dont know what else to say... Shoulda been there. ;-) There I met a pretty little lady that has turned my world around and to whom I am very grateful for!

I picked up two new volunteering opportunities that I am sure I will cover in more detail in future postings, but to just give you a heads-up, one is CASA/GAL and the other is at the volunteer free clinic. The CASA/GAL program is Court Appointed Special Advocate for children, run by and with the Guardian Ad Litem. The Volunteer Clinic is just that- a medical clinic run by volunteer doctors, nurses, and other staff that want to give back to the community. I get to do that now! Yay!!!!



In short its all coming together and

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!

I hope you treasure every moment and make every "misfortune" your own fortune.

Refiner's Fire- literally

Hi world!

I promised I would fill you in on my car burning. So, here it is, complete with anecdotal, emotional, and analogical thoughts summarized into a jumbled, sometimes incomprehensible rant.  (Hope you like it, for you. If not, I am sorry you read it because I feel amazing after writing it.)

The refiner's fire-

Within the last 2 months my house and my car have burned. That's right, both have literally caught fire and burned to the point I could not use them.

I have been under incredible stress,

I have completed 2 semesters of college,

Gained 20 lbs, lost 10 lbs,

I have gone to 2 family reunions

Received my first bachelors degree,

Began this blog,

I am trying to start a business,

I am teaching myself how to make and run a website, SurViveBands.com is up and running now. (Check it out and tell me what you think!)

Read more for fun and for school

Made it to church every week,

Tried to be more sociable,

Began a new hobby of rock climbing (one of the best things in the world. I cant get enough. In fact, I did my first multi-pitch last night instead of studying like I should have.)

Moved... twice (again) making a total of 13 times in 4 years. I am semi-pro at it. haha

I have been incredibly sick this last week,

I am currently beyond completely broke, in fact being kind of broke others are willing to help you. I am so broke there is no help coming in. People know that I wont have money for years to come sooo, there is a resounding echo of emptiness in my piggy bank. One day.... but I am learning what really matters,

Found the real meaning of good people and friends,

Realized I am not invincible,

Realized the world is not fair,

I have quit my job so I could be dedicated to my academics,

Learned to function on very little sleep,

Tackled accelerated chemistry and am pulling off a low A

volunteered in the ER weekly until this last month because I am in Cedar doing school again.

Played alittle

Learned alot

Changed alot

Become more resolute

Become more thankful for everything I do have

Become more willing to work harder and sacrifice for the things I dont have that I want that bring true happiness

Become alot less angry and bitter. In fact I am truly learning to love and care for other people like I never have before

The list is still going in my head, but I wont bore you with all that. Its sufficient to say that I have applied myself arduously to changing my paradigm on life and really CHANGING my behaviors. I have new thoughts and new questions that never occurred to me. There are opportunities for happiness, life lessons, and service all around me.    But to get on and tell you all about this reoccurring theme of fire....

As I am casually driving home after an amazing Sunday and Father's Day I am contemplating how lucky, blessed, and fortunate I am for a few things. I am not driving excessively fast, in fact I was going the speed limit. I was in an unusually optimistic, care-free, relaxed, almost meditative mood. I was listening to some jack johnson, some chris young, even some piano music. I mean, I am really just happy to be alive and well in my situation. BUT the universe and I have come to this understanding that I know just accept- If I ever get happy, content, productive, moving the direction I want to-WHAM!!! *Buzzer noise- eeeennnnhhhhhhhhh* DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT 200$! DO NOT EVEN THINK FOR A SECOND THAT YOUR LIFE COULD GO SMOOTHLY.

That would be far too easy. Being happy despite my situation?! What a crazy idea... Even though in the last year- breaking addictions, gaining sanity and sobriety, losing a house, losing a wife, losing a car, losing 2 dogs, losing best friends, losing family and even acquaintances, being kicked out of my church, having my apartment burn, losing my student loans because financial aid isn't offered to graduates, changing career paths, living in a small community where everyone seems to know my business, no job, moving 2 times in 2 months, being broke, being alone (not in a totally depressing way, but more of a learning myself-bettering myself-cleaning up baggage-and preparing for others kind of way, but alone none-the-less), sick, and just plain exhausted. HERE IS WHATS CRAZY! I HAVE BEEN HAPPY!!! I HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE, GOD HAS CHANGED MY UNMANAGEABLE LIFE!!!

So seriously there I am thinking, that despite that long list, everything is going to be "ok" in the world and that I am going to be alright. I might even get ahead. Who knows? My heaviest trials, darker times, frustrated plans, and overall unhappiness might be behind me.... Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

"TOO EASY" the universe screams, in a voice that is mocking me as if the humor of the thought is laced into the very concept of contentment!!! Guess what though? I AM STILL HAPPY!!! hahaha hahaha haha who wins now! I control my attitude and I will make the best of it!

To get back on track though, there I am driving to Cedar City from Saint George and about half-way between the middle of no-where and further no-where I am driving in construction. Now having made this drive alot in the last few weeks I know there isn't a shoulder on either side of the freeway for miles. So there I am cruising along 70mph, maybe 75mph, contemplating the grandeur of life and what an awesome future I can have and I notice I am slowing down. I give it some gas and get no response.

I look down at the gauges and the temperature gauge is looking alittle high, but not high enough to worry.

I give it alittle more.

Rather than hearing the familiar and exhilarating whine of the turbo winding up, the car continues to slow. There isnt the "pshhhh" of the blow-off valve or the sudden rush of speed. There is only the damned feeling of helpless dread.

I am losing power on the freeway where there isnt anywhere safe to pull off. In fact this stretch of road doesnt have anything for miles if I remembered correctly.

Well, thank goodness I couldnt remember correctly because within another 300 feet there was a sparingly used exit that I geared my now lifeless car onto.

My little white car went from a screaming, powerful ride to a potential death warrant in a ubiquitously speeding, highly trafficked, extremely dangerous construction zone in the middle of no-where.

The power all shut off a few feet before the exit so I wrenched the power-less steering onto the ramp, looked down and watched the temperature climb on the gauge to way beyond hot. The temperature gauge seemed to just keep climbing so fast that I was sure it couldnt heat up like that and it must be broken... Nope it wasnt broken. There was definitely smoke and potentially flame rolling out from under the hood... (Awesome, if it was someone else's car and I was watching it on YouTube somewhere other than where I was at in my car.) Oh and with only liability insurance.... just saying it keeps getting better. 

I ran the 2 stop signs of the exit and pulled into the parking lot of the rough looking back-country gas station. Within 30-60 seconds of the symptoms staring my little car was on fire burning. Yep, like really on fire burning. Not Hollywood exploding (that I would have recorded so you could have seen), but smoke and flames trying to get out from under the hood.

I jump out of my car, run to the hood, and without thinking yank it open. (Now what does fire need to burn? Oxygen.  What was I thinking as I ripped open a hood of a burning vehicle? I am invincible and flames wont touch me! Wow.... I am straight special sometimes. The kind of special most people laugh at and say that dont exist or that it cant be real.) Here goes me, captain awesome, adding unlimited Oxygen to my burning engine. I then grab my oil rag, yes, the rag that is saturated with combustible hydo-carbons and attempt to smother the flame that is consuming my entire engine block.

Well, it kinda worked, but not really so I watched from singed eyelashes as the fire took about 5 min to burn itself out. Fortunately the engine blocked must have cracked earlier than later so there wasnt much to burn and everything shutting off helped too.

Here I am, the irony of it, sitting in a country bumpkin gas station at 10:30 pm watching my car burn as I had moments before thought my life and luck was changing. Thinking that I could coast... haha right... I actually thought that somehow magically only little trials would appear. Something like a flat tire, or a broken thingy-majig that would be really obnoxious to replace but do-able.

Nope, that's not my style or luck. burn baby burn!!!!

My new/old saying,

"If you are going to do it, do it big" with a learned twist "and "DO IT RIGHT"

Theres nothing worse than a HUGE plan that crashes and burns, it's twice the mess and soooo not worth the clean-up.

At least if its done right, the escape plan is planned.

Well , I was fortunate enough to have an amazing roommate that was there within 20 min. Seriously, a guy I met less than 1 month ago, who has a lot on his plate, dropped what he was doing on his Sunday night and came and got me. He then towed my car home the next day while I was at school. That's a genuinely good person and good friend.

Well I cant go on and on explaining how rough it was without trying to practice what I preach right? Let me tell you my silver lining. It was impressed upon me even more what really matters- genuine goodness, genuine care and love for other human beings. What else did I learn? My luck actually has changed. I found an exit on what could have otherwise been a fatal place to stop. The car didnt explode, in fact there are only small burn marks. I am healthy (well sick currently) and unharmed. I am not burned. I in fact have all my stuff that was in the car with me. I realized in making some calls what true care was. I found innocent and charitable love.

I am so broke I only could swallow my pride. It is and never will be my nature to ask for help. You can call it pride, independence, autonomy, self-reliance, oldest child syndrome, stubbornness, ignorance, anger, whatever you like, but it is physically painful to ask for things because when I do I am completely open. I am saying I am weak and I am unable to do this alone right now. It is obviously different in a trade situation, but I dont even have anything to trade at this point in my life. So, I made up my mind to humble myself and with every fiber of my being, made the promise to myself to repay with interest whatever was borrowed. I called, scared because I really didnt know what to do. I effectually grovelled.

Here's the kicker. I actually experienced multiple emotions with the last being an anger strong enough to propel me into decisiveness, confidence, composure, and  resolution. I will not fail, I will not quit, I will not fear, and I will not question my abilities.

From those conversations I realized if I ever have I will give. Even if I dont have I will give. I can give today. If asked today I would give. There are always those who are in more need and I really do have enough to give. I have enough because I have my will and determination. I have my intelligence and I have my God.

(The silver linining is still being set-up, I promise.)

I was then talking to my brother the next day and as I told him he casually, sincerely offered me his life-savings if I needed it. The love was incredible! The sheer magnitude of care.

He works just as hard, if not harder than most and he offered me his life savings so I could fix my car or get a running vehicle.  He didn't hesitate, didn't power-trip or make me beg, condescend, judge or even question. He simply made one of the most touching gestures of love I can remember. As a result, I realized doors would be open to me and I had more than a loving brother. I had a friend, I had brother, I had an exemplar, I had trust and I had love. I know that if he had that trust in me, I could have it in myself.

Through a series of events that are yet to come to fruition, I believe I have been led to a way to fix my car and actually make it better. Say 400-600 hp with a giant turbo? haha wishful thinking....

I honestly feel this trial has been invaluable to my learning and as the analogy of the refiners fire is just that- an analogy, I feel that it is becoming more literal in my life. I am literally undergoing change by fire from  the Master's fire. I hope to continue to learn and grow and I am confident that it will turn out better than I ever imagined.

And that's the story of my car burning.  (loaded with thoughts and for me-emotions)

Thanks for reading. Hope it helps or ya'll learn somethin about yourself you didnt know before.

it could be worse?

2 months ago my house burned, gutted, condemned.

Tonight my car engine burst into flames... awesome. more news to follow.... gaaaaa! I have the best luck EVER! not...

Just alittle more

Just when I think I can't do anymore... I do.
Just when the little world I live in seems to be stretched to the very limits, it expands.


This Accelerated Chemistry course I am taking is moving at such a rapid pace its hard to imagine anything else fitting into my life. Alas, if only it were that simple. I did well on the first test Friday, but between then and now I feel I have lived weeks. Friday I really bought into my small business. (Its going to be an online and small vendor kind of business unless I can find a way to grow it substantially.) I bought the domain name, the hosting and am currently teaching myself how to design and run it all... (in a weekend) I also bought the materials I needed to get an exploratory beginning. Anyway, I am committed now. Did I mention I am taking accelerated chemistry?!


For those curious what the venture is...


SurVive Bands- survival bracelets in style.


I dont have the website completed yet, but I am working feverishly in between EVERYTHING else I am doing.


SurViveBands.com  (coming soon!) Be excited!!!


Why bracelets? because regardless of the economy and natural disasters, they are in style. They always have been and always will be.
What makes mine special? They look good! There are so many color combos to choose from there is no telling how subtle or flashy one can be.
They are made with almost 30 feet of paracord that is capable of holding 550 lbs, but if pulled apart the 7 individual cords are capable of up to 35 lbs. each.  The sheath is alone capable of 300+ lbs. So... all told there is potential for over 200 ft of usable survival cord. I have also added a fishing hook and 2 choices of stainless steel shackles that are capable of 530 lbs or 750lbs. (dont worry the hook is wrapped tight and deep in it, so unless its opened it wont poke through, promise.)


Thats what it does, but what it looks like is what I am hoping will sell. I am asked by at least one person a day when I am in public where I got it. LOVE IT!!! my response- "I made it and will be selling them soon at survivebands.com." Legit huh?


Why do I have confidence that style will sell? its useful enough for real men and women.  (Granted, or hopefully, not many people will have to actually rely on them to save their lives, but the security is what they provide. They could be the difference to a lost hiker or an injured person.


So who am I selling to? the outdoor enthusiasts, the casual walker, jogger, climber, canyoneer, mountaineer, college student, biker, trucker, mailman, entrepreneur, and anyone else who wants to wear something so useful and attractive.
Oh and did I mention THEY LOOK AWESOME?!!!


That brings me to Saturday morning.

Then there is Saturday. Saturday was going to be the only day I slept in but I had a friend call me wanting to go rock climbing at 7 am... geeze..  so... I went. Then I got back and was invited boating, so as exhausted as I was, I went. Loved it!!!  Wish I had more time to go into more detail...


After my body was beat to hell from the choppy lake and too fast boat, I ran into town and got my supplies for the SurVive Bands.  I then crashed for the night and went through another crazy busy Sunday. I finally got home at 11pm Sunday night.


School came bright and early today and the material is only coming faster! AAAARRRGGGGHHHH


Thats my weekend and if theres anything I learned its that there is so much to be thankful for and I love my life.


Live every moment!


Until next time,  ciao!

The inner mind

My uncle Brent Ferrin wrote this poem and I felt that it is a wonderful expression of the thoughts I have had lately.  We are our thoughts. You control it all. Food for thought but what do YOU really want to BUILD? Where are you thoughts and energies? What do you really do? not what do you wish and say you will/want/need to do. What do you do. Contemplate it as you read this. It takes on an even deeper meaning and therefore personal appreciation. Do Great, Be Great, Be Happy!

The Inner Mind of a Man

Such a strange place let me take you in

But be warned I know not where to begin

Like man himself, thoughts start as a seed

Then grow to maturity then on to deed

For what he thinks he truly will be

Not like a plant or animal or tree

Where what you see is what you get

Not so with man, it’s anyone’s bet

So much hope then so much stress

What he’ll become is anyone’s guess

But he can do anything if he really desires

To the moon, to the peak or whatever he aspires

He can build a building straight from his mind

Yet he must be careful to always remain kind

Kind to the ones who gave him flight

Protective of those who fear his might

Unpredictable to those who know of him

Yet pure and straight from the thoughts within

He can try to change anything if he likes

But only if he wins the battle in the mind

You sow a seed then reap a thought

Your mind doesn’t really care if it’s good or not

You must beware of the innermost chamber

Because every thought has a remainder

A remainder of good or evil you see

Because what remains is what will be

For the subconscious mind only does what it’s told

Through the actions of man from birth till he’s old

So control of one’s actions is a must

Yet these are only controlled by trust

God gave us opportunity to shine in life’s test

It is up to us as men to do the rest

But try as we might there is only one chance

Filter the messages we are bombarded with each day

Accept only the good ones throw the others away

Again if we won’t the baser sins will control

And push out the till evil overflows

Childhood to death is a long time for most

Our job is to  cleanse not be a good host

When intelligence flickers in the mind of man

We first need protection then tests to prove we can

Don’t let us experience all at an early age

But only help us prepare the stage

The stage of our lives must be swept clean each day

So only the positive can remain – the Lord’s way

It’s not an easy road as all will attest

To throw out the bad and keep the best

This must be done to finish the race

To be a man of honor not of disgrace

We try to protect ourselves with shields and swords

When really it’s only important to control one’s words

A thought planted in the imaginative soil of one’s brain

Left unchecked or not removed will show up again

Thoughts turn to actions is a well proven fact

All said and done it can’t be clearer than that

Guard your mind a the most precious thing in life

It will eliminate problems, worry and strife

You only have one chance when a thought wants to rest

You can plant it or kill it, that is the test

For that which you think is what you become

A titan of industry or a street bum

Life seems short yet at other times long

Especially if you end up in the wrong

Treasure your time with your loving wife

It is probably more glorious than life

Life has its challenges as all understand

Especially for those in the mind of a man

Hold to the rod, it’s the only sure path

If you don’t you will surely feel his wrath

Brent Ferrin
6/1/2011


So lately I have been crazy busy in applied mathematics- that ugly thing called chemistry, accelerated chemistry. I have never had such a need to study or such such a determination to do well. But its not coming as easy as I had hoped. The first test is tomorrow morning and every day since class started at 8am I have been arduously studying and preparing until 11:15 pm. (Really, the most time I have taken away from my studies is now to write this.)

Seriously? seriously. I want it almost too much. I am overthinking, I am overworking, and I love it! This style of learning burns me out fast, but I have learned the material so much better. I also feel I will retain it much longer. Gotta love it. I think its because I finally feel like I am being trusted to learn.

But on a down side- I havent worked out in 4 weeks now... ugh... I fell gross. Tomorrow and Saturday look out. I have 3 weeks to catch up on in 2 days.

I know it will all be worth it. The most rewarding experiences are those that we are most invested in. I look forward to the pay-out already. It also brings a quote to mind...

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it"

Get busy! Have a wonderful day and know that life is grand!

Keep on truckin'

Look forward to a new day and a bright tomorrow rather than looking back at the darkness of the past we have left. Learn from it, but don't dwell on it. 


Your future will be your current thoughts. 


Live without fear of uncertainty, knowing God will provide.


Life is so good!

Have it all! ish...

Can you have it  all? 

Can everything be awesome all the time?

Can you do two things that are directly opposed?

Short answer- No
Long answer- Yes, kinda...

It all matters how you set it up, how you really want to do it.

If you want to live life fast, you probably will. If you REALLY want to live a life of luxury, you will find a way to get it- albeit hard work being the best way.  If you want a life that is less stressful- DO IT!!! there are healthy ways to manage busy, there are healthy and productive ways to get A LOT done. If you want to run ragged always, you will.

The first step is self-awareness. If you can figure out what you are capable of, what set you off, what makes you tick, what really makes you happy- then the rest is simply making small decisions to stay away from the extremes and find a good balance.

If you want a life where love and happiness is present, do the kinds of things that bring it, but have the self-worth to be selective with whom you share it.  If you don't see your worth then how can you expect someone else to?

If you live for another's happiness who will take care of yours? I heard a phrase that has always stuck with me- "Never give another person your whole heart to hold, because they will inevitably drop it. Instead, let them share with you your soul." Give of your yourself, but not yourself- your identity. It is absolutely possible to create an identity together, but it is the product of TWO SEPARATE people wanting and sharing their dream. 

Yes, they will see the good and bad, the ugly and the beautiful, happy and sad sides of you, but adversely you will see the same of them. People are powerful, happy, motivated, and beautiful, wicked, dark, and hurtful, but mostly they are fallible. Rarely do we intend to intend to let our emotions get the best of us, but sometimes...

SO..... Can you have it all? yes, kinda... IF you-

1. Want it- Really WANT it. 
2. Decide the gains outweigh the risks
3. Pay the price
4. JUST DO IT!!!! -Nike had it soooo right when they came up with that slogan. (Sometimes we have the control we want. Sometimes we have no control, but if we JUST DO IT- we can learn and adjust accordingly. The act then is a testament of your desire and consistency. Its so much easier to be consistent 100% of the time then 98% or 89% because the decision has already been made. You JUST DO IT!
5. Be willing to accept responsibility and consequences- good and bad.
6. Learn the whole time.

Here is the "kinda"-

What if you want two things that are opposing? You must choose. Decide what you really want and then go after it.

Hmmm....

I love my life and things are good. I wont pretend they are easy, but they are good. I wish the same for feelings for everyone.

If you do the same thing you have always done, you will get the same thing you have always got. And until you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you wont change anything.

So- If you are unhappy, figure out why and change it. If you are angry or hurt, forgive. If you are stressed and anxious, come back to what really matters.

One of the most beautiful parts of life is CHANGE!  Its inevitable, and its as great as you want it to be.

Fairytales are as real as WE make em

Ever just had a wonderful day? The kind of day that for no special reason is perfect?

Ever had the day when the sun shines bright, the clouds float lazily past, the temperature is perfect, with a light breeze that brings a cool relief to slightly warm sun? 

A day that you wake up slow, with nothing in particular to do? 

A day that you get to listen to good music and meet new people?

A day where you get something accomplished, but it wasn't something that HAD to happen? 

A day when you feel blessed just because you can, do, and be who you want  to be and that makes you happy? 

A day when your dad says "I love you" or someone you have sought forgiveness from, accepts?

A day when you see the progress you have made in life and you realize that  YOU can do ANYTHING!?

A day when people are friendly because they are happy too?

A day that makes all those ugly, overcast, hard, long, frustrating, painful, hurtful, wasted, days SEEM like a lifetime ago?

A day that you feel so confident and happy that you know it will all work out in the end? (Even though THE END seems like A VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME to wait for)

A day that you get things straight in your head?

WELL, I AM HAVING A DAY LIKE THAT!

I have been consistently happier in the last few months than I ever have been in my life and today is another day that I feel lucky to be alive. 

I PROMISE IF YOU WANT IT AND PUT IN THE EFFORT TO REALLY CHANGE TO GET IT, YOU CAN!!!!

Not to sound trivial or trite, but regardless of your perception I know this fact to be true- The world is at YOUR FINGERTIPS, NOW!

I am living my fairytale and although I am missing a few components, life is good. I am missing you.  

I am trying to chase you, but sometimes it feels like you are pushing me away! 

Will it get better? YES, and worse! Will I stop reaching, stop trying? Nope. 

If there is something I don't know, it's when to quit.  I am tenacious, I am DRIVEN. 

I have never been happy like this, I am truly free. I hope to never stop. I wish everyone felt like this. 

I believe in fairy tales and hope one day you can again too. 

You can be as happy as you want. Stop listening to those "people/friends" who don't believe in happiness- Theirs and yours!They like being miserable. Refuse to accept condescension and hypocrisy, irreverence and fear. 

Stop living a fettered life! A life of unhappiness, and frustration!Stop being scared of the change!

Stop accepting that is "HOW IT IS!"

ITS NOT! HERE IS HOW IT IS-

LIFE IS AMAZING AND REGARDLESS OF YOUR POSITION IN LIFE YOU CONTROL YOUR ATTITUDE! YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT, YOU DESERVE TO TREAT OTHERS LIKE THAT!

Believe, Empower, Live

Live life happy!

Power and Peace

I realized when posting these how much I really do enjoy the awesome power of nature. I find solace in nature that is unique in a crazy world. I hope these pictures do justice to the feelings of power, peace, and tranquility I experienced when I took them.

I realized it wasn't the single act of nature that forms these beautiful places, but the consistent erosion by a powerful force. I hope we can all be more consistent in our endeavors and at the end of our lives, leave as  beautiful a legacy and as beautiful a place. 

Enjoy!

I got these for you.

I told you if you had been with me, I would have picked them for you. I wished you had been there!

It isn't the past I am reminiscing of, but the future I want with all of my heart. Perhaps its just the opportunity to know? Please don't be scared or overwhelmed. I don't know how to do this either. I am scared of so much. This big bear persona I've created is childlike with trust and tenderness. With what I am I promise to never hurt you, but to use it to better your life. I will defend and fight for you to my last breath. I never want to hurt you.

I remember both of us being young, but I saw you as my princess. I will never change that. 

I am giving you the most vulnerable emotions I have. I am reaching out to you with both hands. You haven't let me show you because you are fulfilling your prior promises, with integrity. I admire that. These feelings aren't urgent, to be answered immediately. These are feelings that will continue as long as there is some hope. I used to be all about immediacy and my timeline until I realized its not about me. I will wait as long as there is hope. 

I instead hope one day you will give me that resolution. I want real though, all of it. I want real life- all the time, even-when-its-not-beautiful.  I want the better part to my life- "sugar-coated. serene. harsh. painful, like an eyelash-stuck-in-your-eye-kind-of-annoyingly-painful." I want to share my world with you and you to share yours with me. 

I always know what to say and how to say it but I am finding myself at a loss for words. I always wonder what you are doing... I know I don't fit in your life right now. I know you have so much going on. 

But what if you were created for me? What if I was created for you?

You deserve to honored and appreciated. You deserve an equal.  I know of your dedication. I know of your drive. I know more than you think. I care for you. 

How you may ask? Your freedom and your expression? Your heart and your mind? Yes, yes, and you are beautiful, gorgeous, talented, gifted, dedicated, rare, loving, and kind. But there is more! Is it because YOU stop time for me and are always in my thoughts? Yes, Yes, that too, but what has touched my heart and borne truth to my soul is your words. The same words you use to vent, describe, color-your-life, reach out with, cry, love deeply, express your fondest dreams and memories, sarcastically combat the world, touch lives, breathe beauty into life, and understand yourself better. Those same words are what I share with you. 

Those words... 

What I will have one days is beautiful. 

"i can guarantee that it will be beautiful. not perfect but beautiful.

beautiful with people. beautiful with life. beautiful with family game-nights that turn into competitions paralleling in magnitude with the next world war.

beautiful with crayola-fied hardwood floors and tragically burnt lasagnas.
beautiful with birthday parties and free flying pinata bats careening towards windows.

beautiful with prom dresses hiked-up a little too high for their father's liking and shoes that make their legs look much sexier than an eighteen-year-olds should. 

beautiful with age. and beautiful with loving. and learning. and all those sweet, sweet lullaby's" 

I would never ask for perfection, only the willingness to find the beautiful. 

beautiful with respect. beautiful with understanding, beautiful with passion.

beautiful with crazy schedules. beautiful with accomplishments. and BEAUTIFUL with Failures. 

beautiful with muddy feet and dirty counters. beautiful with small hand-print streaked glass. 

beautiful with hard work and eager hands. beautiful with hard work and obedient hands.

beautiful with dirty-grimy-scraped-daring little hands.

beautiful with strong hands and with soft delicate hands. 

beautiful with days of chaos and moments of silence. 

beautiful with belonging and acceptance. beautiful with life.

beautiful with an inseparable love. beautiful through hardships and ugly moments. beautiful for no-reason. 

beautiful with the first embarrassed kiss of a young heart. beautiful with the first crush. beautiful with awkward moments. 

beautiful with another, beautiful with the hope of eternity.

Beautiful is as beautiful as we want to see, and then who we share it with.  

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