Hi world!
I promised I would fill you in on my car burning. So, here it is, complete with anecdotal, emotional, and analogical thoughts summarized into a jumbled, sometimes incomprehensible rant. (Hope you like it, for you. If not, I am sorry you read it because I feel amazing after writing it.)
The refiner's fire-
Within the last 2 months my house and my car have burned. That's right, both have literally caught fire and burned to the point I could not use them.
I have been under incredible stress,
I have completed 2 semesters of college,
Gained 20 lbs, lost 10 lbs,
I have gone to 2 family reunions
Received my first bachelors degree,
Began this blog,
I am trying to start a business,
I am teaching myself how to make and run a website, SurViveBands.com is up and running now. (Check it out and tell me what you think!)
Read more for fun and for school
Made it to church every week,
Tried to be more sociable,
Began a new hobby of rock climbing (one of the best things in the world. I cant get enough. In fact, I did my first multi-pitch last night instead of studying like I should have.)
Moved... twice (again) making a total of 13 times in 4 years. I am semi-pro at it. haha
I have been incredibly sick this last week,
I am currently beyond completely broke, in fact being kind of broke others are willing to help you. I am so broke there is no help coming in. People know that I wont have money for years to come sooo, there is a resounding echo of emptiness in my piggy bank. One day.... but I am learning what really matters,
Found the real meaning of good people and friends,
Realized I am not invincible,
Realized the world is not fair,
I have quit my job so I could be dedicated to my academics,
Learned to function on very little sleep,
Tackled accelerated chemistry and am pulling off a low A
volunteered in the ER weekly until this last month because I am in Cedar doing school again.
Played alittle
Learned alot
Changed alot
Become more resolute
Become more thankful for everything I do have
Become more willing to work harder and sacrifice for the things I dont have that I want that bring true happiness
Become alot less angry and bitter. In fact I am truly learning to love and care for other people like I never have before
The list is still going in my head, but I wont bore you with all that. Its sufficient to say that I have applied myself arduously to changing my paradigm on life and really CHANGING my behaviors. I have new thoughts and new questions that never occurred to me. There are opportunities for happiness, life lessons, and service all around me. But to get on and tell you all about this reoccurring theme of fire....
As I am casually driving home after an amazing Sunday and Father's Day I am contemplating how lucky, blessed, and fortunate I am for a few things. I am not driving excessively fast, in fact I was going the speed limit. I was in an unusually optimistic, care-free, relaxed, almost meditative mood. I was listening to some jack johnson, some chris young, even some piano music. I mean, I am really just happy to be alive and well in my situation. BUT the universe and I have come to this understanding that I know just accept- If I ever get happy, content, productive, moving the direction I want to-WHAM!!! *Buzzer noise- eeeennnnhhhhhhhhh* DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT 200$! DO NOT EVEN THINK FOR A SECOND THAT YOUR LIFE COULD GO SMOOTHLY.
That would be far too easy. Being happy despite my situation?! What a crazy idea... Even though in the last year- breaking addictions, gaining sanity and sobriety, losing a house, losing a wife, losing a car, losing 2 dogs, losing best friends, losing family and even acquaintances, being kicked out of my church, having my apartment burn, losing my student loans because financial aid isn't offered to graduates, changing career paths, living in a small community where everyone seems to know my business, no job, moving 2 times in 2 months, being broke, being alone (not in a totally depressing way, but more of a learning myself-bettering myself-cleaning up baggage-and preparing for others kind of way, but alone none-the-less), sick, and just plain exhausted. HERE IS WHATS CRAZY! I HAVE BEEN HAPPY!!! I HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE, GOD HAS CHANGED MY UNMANAGEABLE LIFE!!!
So seriously there I am thinking, that despite that long list, everything is going to be "ok" in the world and that I am going to be alright. I might even get ahead. Who knows? My heaviest trials, darker times, frustrated plans, and overall unhappiness might be behind me.... Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
"TOO EASY" the universe screams, in a voice that is mocking me as if the humor of the thought is laced into the very concept of contentment!!! Guess what though? I AM STILL HAPPY!!! hahaha hahaha haha who wins now! I control my attitude and I will make the best of it!
To get back on track though, there I am driving to Cedar City from Saint George and about half-way between the middle of no-where and further no-where I am driving in construction. Now having made this drive alot in the last few weeks I know there isn't a shoulder on either side of the freeway for miles. So there I am cruising along 70mph, maybe 75mph, contemplating the grandeur of life and what an awesome future I can have and I notice I am slowing down. I give it some gas and get no response.
I look down at the gauges and the temperature gauge is looking alittle high, but not high enough to worry.
I give it alittle more.
Rather than hearing the familiar and exhilarating whine of the turbo winding up, the car continues to slow. There isnt the "pshhhh" of the blow-off valve or the sudden rush of speed. There is only the damned feeling of helpless dread.
I am losing power on the freeway where there isnt anywhere safe to pull off. In fact this stretch of road doesnt have anything for miles if I remembered correctly.
Well, thank goodness I couldnt remember correctly because within another 300 feet there was a sparingly used exit that I geared my now lifeless car onto.
My little white car went from a screaming, powerful ride to a potential death warrant in a ubiquitously speeding, highly trafficked, extremely dangerous construction zone in the middle of no-where.
The power all shut off a few feet before the exit so I wrenched the power-less steering onto the ramp, looked down and watched the temperature climb on the gauge to way beyond hot. The temperature gauge seemed to just keep climbing so fast that I was sure it couldnt heat up like that and it must be broken... Nope it wasnt broken. There was definitely smoke and potentially flame rolling out from under the hood... (Awesome, if it was someone else's car and I was watching it on YouTube somewhere other than where I was at in my car.) Oh and with only liability insurance.... just saying it keeps getting better.
I ran the 2 stop signs of the exit and pulled into the parking lot of the rough looking back-country gas station. Within 30-60 seconds of the symptoms staring my little car was on fire burning. Yep, like really on fire burning. Not Hollywood exploding (that I would have recorded so you could have seen), but smoke and flames trying to get out from under the hood.
I jump out of my car, run to the hood, and without thinking yank it open. (Now what does fire need to burn? Oxygen. What was I thinking as I ripped open a hood of a burning vehicle? I am invincible and flames wont touch me! Wow.... I am straight special sometimes. The kind of special most people laugh at and say that dont exist or that it cant be real.) Here goes me, captain awesome, adding unlimited Oxygen to my burning engine. I then grab my oil rag, yes, the rag that is saturated with combustible hydo-carbons and attempt to smother the flame that is consuming my entire engine block.
Well, it kinda worked, but not really so I watched from singed eyelashes as the fire took about 5 min to burn itself out. Fortunately the engine blocked must have cracked earlier than later so there wasnt much to burn and everything shutting off helped too.
Here I am, the irony of it, sitting in a country bumpkin gas station at 10:30 pm watching my car burn as I had moments before thought my life and luck was changing. Thinking that I could coast... haha right... I actually thought that somehow magically only little trials would appear. Something like a flat tire, or a broken thingy-majig that would be really obnoxious to replace but do-able.
Nope, that's not my style or luck. burn baby burn!!!!
My new/old saying,
"If you are going to do it, do it big" with a learned twist "and "DO IT RIGHT"
Theres nothing worse than a HUGE plan that crashes and burns, it's twice the mess and soooo not worth the clean-up.
At least if its done right, the escape plan is planned.
Well , I was fortunate enough to have an amazing roommate that was there within 20 min. Seriously, a guy I met less than 1 month ago, who has a lot on his plate, dropped what he was doing on his Sunday night and came and got me. He then towed my car home the next day while I was at school. That's a genuinely good person and good friend.
Well I cant go on and on explaining how rough it was without trying to practice what I preach right? Let me tell you my silver lining. It was impressed upon me even more what really matters- genuine goodness, genuine care and love for other human beings. What else did I learn? My luck actually has changed. I found an exit on what could have otherwise been a fatal place to stop. The car didnt explode, in fact there are only small burn marks. I am healthy (well sick currently) and unharmed. I am not burned. I in fact have all my stuff that was in the car with me. I realized in making some calls what true care was. I found innocent and charitable love.
I am so broke I only could swallow my pride. It is and never will be my nature to ask for help. You can call it pride, independence, autonomy, self-reliance, oldest child syndrome, stubbornness, ignorance, anger, whatever you like, but it is physically painful to ask for things because when I do I am completely open. I am saying I am weak and I am unable to do this alone right now. It is obviously different in a trade situation, but I dont even have anything to trade at this point in my life. So, I made up my mind to humble myself and with every fiber of my being, made the promise to myself to repay with interest whatever was borrowed. I called, scared because I really didnt know what to do. I effectually grovelled.
Here's the kicker. I actually experienced multiple emotions with the last being an anger strong enough to propel me into decisiveness, confidence, composure, and resolution. I will not fail, I will not quit, I will not fear, and I will not question my abilities.
From those conversations I realized if I ever have I will give. Even if I dont have I will give. I can give today. If asked today I would give. There are always those who are in more need and I really do have enough to give. I have enough because I have my will and determination. I have my intelligence and I have my God.
(The silver linining is still being set-up, I promise.)
I was then talking to my brother the next day and as I told him he casually, sincerely offered me his life-savings if I needed it. The love was incredible! The sheer magnitude of care.
He works just as hard, if not harder than most and he offered me his life savings so I could fix my car or get a running vehicle. He didn't hesitate, didn't power-trip or make me beg, condescend, judge or even question. He simply made one of the most touching gestures of love I can remember. As a result, I realized doors would be open to me and I had more than a loving brother. I had a friend, I had brother, I had an exemplar, I had trust and I had love. I know that if he had that trust in me, I could have it in myself.
Through a series of events that are yet to come to fruition, I believe I have been led to a way to fix my car and actually make it better. Say 400-600 hp with a giant turbo? haha wishful thinking....
I honestly feel this trial has been invaluable to my learning and as the analogy of the refiners fire is just that- an analogy, I feel that it is becoming more literal in my life. I am literally undergoing change by fire from the Master's fire. I hope to continue to learn and grow and I am confident that it will turn out better than I ever imagined.
And that's the story of my car burning. (loaded with thoughts and for me-emotions)
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