The fragility of life

I have often marveled at the simple complexity of life. What is the heart of a person? Why the attribution of emotion to an uncontrollable muscle? Is it not requisite that all the organs function in order to live and breath? The "heart" I have deduced is the soul. When my "heart" aches, is pained, elated, or exuberant, it is because the soul is expressing my current place. When I am humble and teachable, my heart is receptive to the more touching and intuitive feelings of others. Adversely, when I am proud, critical, judgmental, and overall haughty, I am left to my own lonely devices. I willingly separate myself from the need of others. I willingly isolate and alienate myself until I can no longer stand the feeling of loneliness.

How much more difficult is it for a person to be happy when they feel ill? How fulfilled can an achievement be when there is emotional suffering? I say the expressions of the heart are a culmination of the mind, body, and spirit, succinctly. The ability to recognize and want to help a sufferer up is the pure humanity we are innately given, but the choice to actually help another less fortunate is where the cultivation of the heart and soul lies.

The worth of one person is invaluable for their ability to be and do anything. In pondering on the influence individual men and women have had on the history of the world, there are those who in their heart and entire soul cried out for equality, love, or freedom. There ability to thrive and perpetuate their cause was because of the unwavering commitment to the infallible, intangible knowledge that their hearts, THEIR VERY SOULS, THEIR ENTIRE BEING saw the humanity in others. They chose light and love. They chose to reach out and enlighten and empower others to and with, love.

Life is SO FRAGILE! I have the opportunity of volunteering in the Emergency Room weekly and it helps me put a different perspective in my life. I see so much pain! I see so much compassion! I see reverence and anger. I see hearts laid bare to seemingly unsurmountable loss. I see love. For it all, I love my family alittle more, I love complete strangers alittle more, I love those who have dedicated their lives to helping others alittle more. I love those who suffer alittle more. I am able to love alittle more and alittle deeper.

Last week was rough for me. I ran the length of a full marathon through Zion National Park, worked a 40 hour shift, (Yes, 40 hours straight with little sleep) found out I was singing a solo this upcoming week, sought to make restitution and ask forgiveness of a person I deeply offended, and volunteered in the ER. Out of everything I did, there was one moment that touched me far more than the rest. Its a moment that will have a lasting effect on me, forever.

While I was volunteering I noticed there was a drawn curtain in one of the trauma rooms. I also noticed the room was being widely avoided by all of the nurses and doctors. I went in to see why the feelings of trepidation were present.

Immediately I felt a sense of loss. A man in his late 40's had been riding a motorcycle and was hit by a semi- truck. His body was broken. There was blood everywhere. There were tubes running out of his chest, mouth, and arms. He was in pieces. His mouth agape. I expected to see his chest rise and fall. I expected at any moment he would get up and continue his fight for life, but I knew he would not.

As I stood there alone in the trauma room I had feelings I hadn't felt in years. I remembered my own little blonde hair, blue eyed, vibrant, dynamic, courageous little brother lying on the cold steel of the operating room after drowning. I vividly recalled my willing him back to life, to no avail. I remembered seeing his little 2 year old body getting cold and inflexible. My heart was broken.

I recalled 6 years later when my best friend was doing what his parents taught him and was serving those around him. I remember the best of him, which was all of him. I remember him on the bitterly unrelenting and seemingly mocking steel of the trauma room table. Again the cold steel in the Emergency Room had won. I had to leave another one of the closest relationships I had known on that steel gurney. Again, my heart was ripped from my chest.  In an appropriate comparison, my soul left me empty. Physically, I was still there. Mentally, I still possessed the same capacity to reason and think. But my spirit!!!! My spirit was wounded deeply. My HEART, MY SOUL, was wracked with incomprehensible pain. It took years and more pain to realize I needed to heal. The only way I was able to heal was through my Savior, Jesus Christ...

And then I was back in the trauma room in the hospital. My recollections were done. My heart ached not for the man I saw before me, but his family. Regardless of what life this man lived, it was final. Regardless of what he had said or done, who he had loved or offended, it was final in this life. I stayed in the room for a few minutes trying to piece my thoughts back together then went back to my volunteer work.

As quickly as that I realized the frailties of life. I realized the fragility of life. I realized how each moment we live is borrowed from our creator anyway. Regardless of how much control we feel we have, He is the only one. I realized that I had not told my own father how much he means to me. I realized I had not told my mother how special she is to my life. I realized that I take too many moments for granted.

I promise that it is possible to love alittle deeper, care alittle more, show you care alittle more, be alittle better than the day before. So when in our final moments here on earth we can reflect on our life and know we lived with love. We, you and I, lived with love.

I pray daily that those who need love will find it. I pray for those who are hurt and broken, to come to Christ and be healed. I pray that the addicted can find freedom, empowerment, and strength. I pray that the angry and hurt can find forgiveness. I pray that all can find true happiness. I know that Jesus Christ is the means by which I have found mine. I testify He is the only way I could have been healed. Truly surrender your will and He will make you infinitely more powerful and happy in His plan. "Thy Will Be Done."

A great hike yesterday with my brother Curtis and dad Keith

(Curtis, my bro, defying gravity. Suprised? No... no... he's really that good.)

Curtis being Gollum 

Enjoying the end of a hot hike!

Attitude, Integrity, Service- A tribute to mothers

When life gives you more than you can comprehend doing alone, God gives you His strength.

Sometimes God calms the storm, Sometimes He allows the storm to rage on and calms His child.   -unknown

Attitude dictates our paradigm, which in turn creates our perception, that subsequently is how we view ourselves, those around us, and our world. Our attitude can liberate when oppressed, empower when broken, and change a proud or stubborn heart. Attitude adversely can bind, enslave, depress, and destroy. Attitude is the frail thread between joy, success, and happiness and mediocrity, complacency, and excuses.

My life is truly blessed by my family and this weekend I had the opportunity to see my parents, brother, and grandma. I see the attitude they possess, their zest for life. I see the excitement in their eyes to make a memory and enjoy the company of one another. I see love. I see their attitudes separating them from the world.

Integrity-

“It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently.”

-Warren Buffett

Integrity is not negotiable. Integrity is doing what you say you will do. Integrity is being impeccable to your word. Integrity is knowing what you are doing it and not compromising YOUR fundamental core values. I thank those in my life who exemplify it. I thank my father and mother for their unwavering integrity amidst a "progressive" world. I thank those teachers and leaders who arduously defend the integrity of their nation, families, and individual persons.

Never back down from your fundamental values. Never compromise your integrity.

Service is the expression of the true love we possess for humanity. Humanity is the charity of our hearts and care for lives of others. Service brings about love and love in turn increases our desire to serve. In the cyclic nature of the joy possible its the actual action of service that makes it possible.

If you are looking for a beginning, if you are looking for True Joy, TRUE JOY, the kind of joy that reaches into depths of your heart and softly caresses  the most tender emotions you hold dear- it is service. Want it, I challenge you to want it. I challenge you to not simply do it, but seek, want, and live it.

The epitome of service, attitude, and integrity- Mommas  Happy mothers day!!!! To all of the mothers, soon to be mothers, and women who give of their lives in true and everlasting service of others, Thank You. I love you momma.

Beacon of Hope and other late night ramblings...

I often wonder to myself, knowing full well, "will the ice ever melt, the sun come out, and the world come alive again?" Will I be able to to move on? Giving all I have will I ever see the positive consequences of a dedication to change? 

There is a beacon of hope. The sun will continue to rise. The world will awake. The seasons will change. Life can begin anew. My life, MY LIFE, Jacob Ferrin's life can and is changing in remarkable ways. 

(These are pics I took in the spring 2 years ago)

For those who knew me closely in the past. I am truly sorry. I am tormented at the pain and heartache I put you through. For those who knew me more as an acquaintance, I am sorry I was not the advocate for good I could have been. For those who have given me the chance again or now, I am doing all I know how to better myself and those around me. Thank you for the opportunity and privilege. 

For my light in the darkness, YOU are were the inspiration I needed. Whatever follows, whatever may or may not be, your timing was impeccable. Your life and appreciation for it, has given me an earthly, mortal hope I could not identify before. I asked you what your fear was and you said it was also your greatest strength. I asked you what you wanted from life and deeper than the words you spoke was the desire to be loved for all you are. I share that need for belonging. I need to be needed and want to be wanted- All of me- for who I am and who I am not- what I am and what I am not. YOU opened my mind to the possibility of equality, A dream I COULD NOT believe in before you. I am scared, more scared than I know how to explain. How can I be loved despite my short-comings? My self created myth of "individual happiness somehow being greater than a shared culmination," was shattered. I understand that as powerful as I can become, without the balance and love of a dedicated eternal commitment, I can not achieve what I most desire. I want a family. 

Whether I aspire to be a UPS man as my father or a doctor as I hope to become, or a checker at Home Depot, I CANNOT find the fulfillment I so deeply desire, alone. (Just so there is no pressure... I cant see the future, I dont know what path life will take either of us on, but I do know that in a brief moment YOU rocked my illusion of happiness.) Thank you. I wish you well. I hope you remain in my life and perhaps that chance will be given to us? Who knows? 

What I also know is that the power of the Savior of the World is REAL! The Living God atoned individually and died individually for every one of us. He died for me. HE GAVE US ALL THE POWER TO CHANGE!!!

I have faith that my Redeemer Lives. I feel it deeper and more powerfully than any tactile sense experienced., stronger than any dirty rush or adrenaline high. I have felt deity touching my very soul.

In my heart I have begun to feel the change of heart I so DESPERATELY feared for but begged and pleaded for. "What if I no longer had this crutch to lean on?" "What if I no longer was scared of succeeding?" God is the only way to find solace and true peace. 

Many times I have been told that through mediation and self-reflection I can find true peace. Many times I have been told that happiness is a decision. Many times I have heard "my spirituality is mine alone." My response is finally this.

"Although many tools can be used to build a creation, worshiping the tools is absolute madness. Honor the Creator and use the tools."

The Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and the Omega, God and His son, Jesus Christ gave us all we have. I will not be embarrassed of my God, nor will I pretend that my silence is more appropriate so I don't offend another person. God saved my life. Jesus suffered in Gethsemane for me.

My life is becoming free of the addictions that ruled it. My heart is returning. A new life is being breathed into my lungs. I will not hide behind my carnal man. I have made mistakes. I know I will make many more mistakes, but in the words of one of my dearest friends, "Minimize the wake." With the power of Christ and with the personal awareness I am beginning to possess I can minimize the wake. I can be an advocate for positive and constructive change.

I love my God, I love my Family, and I am finally loving myself. I promise that with an ACTIVE, purposeful, consistent, imploring effort to understand and seek Him, He will PULL ANY MAN or WOMAN from the DARKEST HELL. I have been there. He loves us and will never stop offering His hand, His redeeming grace, or His love.

I love Him with all that I am. I bare you my soul and testament that I have been able to change my life because of His atonement, help, and sacrifice. In the name of my beloved Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

This is a photo I took this fall while on top of a rugged plateau. The sunset was brilliant and the small pool of water caught the reflection like a mirror. There are moments like the one I have captured here, in life. Yesterday was this beautiful again for me. It was a day with a degree of spirituality and optimism that I have rarely experienced.

Sometimes the most most beautiful moments happen in the ugliest most abysmal of circumstances. Sometimes those moments of perfection just happen with unfeigned simplicity. Life is often difficult, but our attitude and faith can make life much more simple or complex.  I am beginning to find that the greater amount of love and faith I strive to possess, the more simple life is becoming.

Life's pursuits are becoming less monetarily driven and much more relational. I am finding that what truly matters is less and less what is accomplished and more and more who we accomplish it with. What is the value or quality of life of it is simply endured or experienced alone? How much more blessed and sacred are the moments of joy or achievement when there is a person who equally comprehends the struggle or sacrifice?  Why, if that need for sharing and belonging is so essential, is it so damn hard to find people who can comprehend with competence those moments?

Am I alone in my thoughts? It seems as though there are facades of happiness everywhere, that there are so many people that despite there most persistent efforts to achieve happiness never do. I wonder if it has ever occurred to those people that happiness is not the result of an achievement, but a state of being- a personal willful decision. I am finding that after the darkness I invited to consume me for years of my life, that I would never arrive at a destination of happiness. I am finding quite the opposite actually. As I sought after pleasure for the sake of happiness, all I found was self indulgence and pain. Adversely, as I have been actively pursuing goals of direction with passion, I am finding that happiness is innate to the work. Other people want to share in the growth and my individual worth.

My father gave me a piece of writing years ago that I cherish and keep with me always. I do not know the author, but the words carry such truth in them.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I believe with all my heart that it is our power and our light that strikes true fear into most people. LET THOSE PERSONAL FEARS GO!!! Free yourself and empower others! Know that we are heirs of deity or the universe or whatever faith you subscribe to. My God is omnipotent and knows my potential. I am beginning to understand the power I am truly capable of! It is domineering, but excites me like nothing I have ever experienced. Let your own divinely inspired light shine!  As in the words of the highly publicized US army slogan, "BE ALL YOU CAN BE!"

Thanks for your time in reading my ramblings,

Jacob

A decision to be happy

Ever just had one of those awesome days? Well today was one for me.

I had planned on being an overachiever and taking a test early, but for the first time in a very very long time I slept deep and I slept well. I slept so well in fact, that the alarm I set didn’t make it into my cognitive waking thoughts. I may have turned it off but then again I was sooo asleep I honestly cant recall. So with the intent of waking early and taking a test my bedding became magically more comfortable.  I’m talking the kind of comfortable that is ethereal. Everything is so very soft that it holds you deep in bed. The temperature is just cold enough that the heavy bedding leaves your body at that ideal temperature, not too hot and not too cold. The pillows are perfect- wrapping around your head embracing you but not smothering. The position your laying in HAS to be the MOST comfortable position you have ever laid in…. From the very tips of your fingers, up to your ears, and back down to the tips of your toes YOU JUST FEEL GOOD. The stress level is way down, not because you don’t have things to do, but more YOU JUST DON’T CARE. That’s how today started. It was amazing.

There are a few things in this world that feed my soul like this kind of day. I was happy for no reason other than I wanted to be happy.

My house burned last week, to the point it was condemned until it is rebuilt. (I found out after the engineers took core samples of the trusses that it would be 4 months rather than the anticipated 1 month for the rebuild.) Finals began. I got written up at work. The carefully devised plans I had gone to so much trouble to make over the course of the last 4 months were therefore dramatically changed. I had to charge my visa almost 2,000$ for an MCAT Preparation course that I don’t have time, but will make time for. My momma has resorted to seeking the help of a self-proclaimed “Healer” for the fibrous dysplasia (benign but becoming malignant cancer) in her face. All of my families vehicles are failing. Blah Blah Blah… The list goes on and on.

I wanted a great day and guess what? It truly was a WONDERFUL DAY! I was able to get a great work-out. I ate plenty of food. Found 20 min to lay by the pool. I washed my car. I got a haircut. I breathed deep. I smiled. I am happy. It’s as simple as that.

My deep thought for today is by the amazing Dr. Seuss. “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

I hope you all get to experience a happy day like this every so often because it is what makes life good.

Jacob

Why I am

To those of you who know or who have known me, I hope this gives you insight into my life. I do not write to offend or change anyone other than myself. My life's goal for now and always is to better myself and be the man I know I am capable of. By expressing my feelings, thoughts, desires, hopes, paradigms, and perceptions with you, I hope that you can appreciate the power you individually and collectively possess.
As a man I am not unique. My challenges have been faced by many others before me. My joys and pains have been experienced by many, many others. The talents I have are great, but just as with everything else there are others who have possessed similar talents and nurtured them far more.
What I DO POSSESS UNIQUELY is what I have collectively taken from it all. I have been into MY darkest abyss imaginable. I had created my own hell on earth, however I am willing and actively pursuing the heaven I want to live in. I am 23 years old feeling as though I were 73. I want to LOVE life, not endure it. I want to smile and serve others, not be bitter and seek endlessly to serve myself.
This creation of heaven is not a destination, but a slow and gradual transformation. Just as consistency determines the true change of heart and mind, I am consistently trying to bring happiness and true joy into my life. I am not stating that the choices to change cannot be immediate, but what I am stating is that the long term results of happiness and true joy, can and often are, slower to manifest themselves.
(I love metaphors so be patient.) As the sun rises at in the morning, the rays are soft, soothing, and warming. They are still subtle, but beginning to bring light. Over the next few hours the increase in energy is so gradual that it often goes unnoticed, until it is mid-day and the world can be seen in full light. I have experienced this lately and slowly, but surely my quality of life is improving and the joys are truly becoming joyous. Celebrations are worth celebrating. Partings are worth mourning. Moments are worth cherishing. Life is worth living.
I hope this is an appropriate start to anyone who takes the time to read my ramblings, but thank you none-the-less. I promise there will be more "meat" in my future writings. For now I want to begin simply documenting.